Disclaimer: All things Star Wars belong to George Lucas, fan-fic writers seek only to kill time between movies, not make any money from his brain children. Be kind, George, and think of all the money we'll spend once Ep 2 comes out...

This is a parody. You have been warned. Special thanks to the "Lines we won't hear Master Windu use in The Phantom Menace" list...

by Taliesin

Just about now, in a galaxy altogether too close for comfort...

Interior: The JEDI COLLEGE on Coruscant. We see Jedi-master MACE WINDU reclining on a couch. Next to him sits a young PADAWAN APPRENTICE, a girl about nine years of age. From an open doorway we cannot see through, sounds of lightsaber fighting and angry shouts can be heard. Windu looks relaxed and comfortable; the padawan is terrified.

Windu: "...so you wanna learn the ways of the Force, grrl? Well, you gotta long way to go. But still, I have some good news for you --"

Next door, someone screams in mortal agony, and we hear the sound of splintering glass as someone is hurled through a window.

Windu: "WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE, FUGWITS! Yeah, as I was saying, I have a piece of good news." From the confines of his robes, he pulls out an old lightsaber. "This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfucking stormtrooper in the room -- accept no substitutes." He passes the lightsaber to the padawan, who accepts it with trembling hands.

Another scream of pain from next door, more sounds of furious lightsaber dueling. Windu sighs and shakes his head in annoyance, and looks through the doorway. The camera follows his gaze, and we now see what is going on in the next room, which is the COUNCIL HALL. In there, we see DARTH VADER engaged in furious duelling with three other Jedi. The corpses of several other Jedi litter the floor. As Windu watches, Vader decapitates one of his opponents with a cunning swipe of his lightsaber, and when the other two dash at him, he evades one and runs the other through with a stopthrust.

Windu sighs again: "They just don't train them the way they used to." He watches as Vader slowly forces his last opponent at bay against a wall. To the padawan: "Bet you 50 Republican Daira that he won't last more than another twenty seconds against Vader. What, you ain't taking it? I don't blame you -- the Daira is fucking worthless these days."

Windu stiffly sits up, and gestures at a LIGHTSABER RACK only a foot away from where he sits. "Hand me my lightsaber -- it's the one that says 'Bad Motherfucker'."

The padawan scurries to obey; as she does so, Vader kills the last of the defending Jedi.

"Thirteen seconds. I don't believe it. Who _trains_ these motherfuckin' idiots? The Good Humor Man?" He accepts his lightsaber from the padawan. "Thanks, kid. Now go. You must go to Dagobah, where you will be taught by Yoda, the sly, sweet motherfucker who taught me this shit."

The padawan gapes stupidly at Windu. "What?"

Windu: "'What!?' What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on what?"

padawan: "How do you know he's there, Master Windu?"

Windu: "How I know he's there? Simple. Yoda's a rat, and these bolt for their holes when danger appears. And Dagobah is the biggest fucking rathole in the Universe. Now scram, kid."

The padawan flees in panic as VADER enters the room, his crimson lightsaber at ready. Windu clambers to his feet.

"Christ Jesus, Vader, your timing sucks. I've been partying all night, and I have a motherfucker of a hangover." Absentmindedly, Windu switches on his own lightsaber; it burns with a dark brown, nearly black colour.

Vader: (wheeze) "It is too late for you to escape, Master Windu. Your allies are dead. Yoda has fled. (wheeze) And the feeble flicker of your strength is no match for the power of the Dark Side."

Windu: "Yeah, yeah. Says the man who sounds like he has the worst fucking case of asthma this side of Bespin. Now let's get down to it."

He gestures with his lightsaber, causing Vader to scramble in order not to be hit by the erratic movement. Windu then staggers unsteadily towards Vader, who only barely parries the wild and clumsy swipes Windu makes with his lightsaber as he struggles to keep his balance.

Vader then launches attacks of his own, but somehow, Windu's drunken staggerings keep taking him out of the path of the attacks. Vader is almost run through as Windu stumbles towards him and almost falls

Windu (laughs): "What's the matter? Never heard of Drunken Style Lightsaber? You ain't any more than a fucking padawan, Vader."

Vader: (wheeze) "Your childish tricks will not long save you from the power of the Dark Side." He gestures, and suddenly the glass of the window splinters _inwards_ and flies in a swift cloud at Windu.

Windu makes an amazing leap out of the path of the oncoming shower of glass splinters. "You can stick your well-laid Dark Side plans up your well-laid ass, Vader." As he lands, he throws his lightsaber at Vader who only barely dodges.

Windu: "Feel the Force, motherfucker." He gestures, and the off-balance Vader is hurled out of the window.

Windu: "800 stories down. That oughtta hold him for a bit. Now, where is that motherfucking escape ship?"

(To Be Continued)