We are inside the corridors of the
JEDI ACADEMY, where a single robed
figure is hurrying down a dimly-lit corridor. Outside the enormous
crystal windows, the glowing skyline of CORUSCANT compels the gaze
with its vista of graceful, tall towers bedecked with shining
Suddenly a loud explosion shakes the hallway,
and several of the
crystal windows collapse in a cascade of shattering glass. The
explosion's thundering echoes combine with the sound of fracturing
panes to create a deafening melange of noise. The robed figure stops
and clutches his head in agony; we now see that he is MACE WINDU, the Jedi Master. When the dust and particles settle, he remains
miraculously untouched by flying glass fragments and splinters.
"Ooooh! Ahhhh! Ooooow!" (finally recovers from his stunned
state) "That motherfucker. He'd have to turn to the Dark Side and
attack when I have the worst hangover of the entire decade." (starts
to run again, making turns down mazy hallways seemingly at random. He
then stops dead when another robed figure steps in front of him to
block his way.)
(draws and turns on his dirt-brown lightsaber) "OK, asshole,
you caught me, but if you think I'm just gonna fold, you'd better
fucking think again... OBI-WAN! You motherfucking idiot, what're you
chill, man, you nearly scared me outta ten years of
growth. You wanna get that thing outta my face?"
(lowers the lightsaber and turns it off) "Might as well,
batteries are low. I knew I shouldn't have used those fucking
worthless Energizer batteries." (sniffs Obi-Wan's breath) "What the...
you been smoking, asshole?"
"Sure have. Green Endorian, finest weed from the Ewok farms.
Say, why's everybody running around screaming?"
(struggles to keep his patience and barely succeeds) "It's
padawan apprentice, that motherfucker Skywalker. He's turned to the
Dark Side and now he's killing everybody in here."
"Oh." (ponders this for a few moments and then looks
impressed) "Cool. I always knew that kid would go far."
(loses his temper) "WELL HE'S GOING A LITTLE BIT TOO FUCKING
FAR, 'CAUSE HE'S GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU AND ME, TOO, UNLESS WE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE FUCKING FAST!!!"
"Oh." (deflates) "You gotta point there, man. So,
you got a
plan for how we can get out of here?"
(calms a bit down) "I'm going for the escape ships. You can
come along if you'd like. But you should lay off that fuckin' weed,
man, the way it makes you wheeze you won't last another year if you
keep it up."
Obi-Wan: "Wheezing? I'm not wheezing."
both: (looks at one another, then looks
at the corridor opening next
to them from which the black-clad, cloaked and helmeted DARTH VADER is now emerging)
both: (in chorus) "RUN!!!" (they
take to their heels and run for all
(in tones of contempt) "Run all you like, pathetic fools.
*wheeze* You will merely die tired. *wheeze*" (sets after them at a
dignified walking pace)
We change scenes to a large ROOF HANGAR, in which we see three empty spaceship berths. Windu and Obi-Wan run into the hangar at top speed, then stop in dismay when they see that no escape ships remain. Near the entrance we see the protocol droid I8-U2 standing behind a desk.
Windu: (rounds on the droid and yells) "I8-U2!"
(in a tremulous voice) "You hate me, too, sir? Oh dear, oh
dear. No-one likes me. It is quite beyond me why, I try so hard to
Windu: "WILL YOU FUCKING CUT IT OUT WITH YOUR WHINING! Where are the motherfucking escape ships, you damn pile of spare parts?"
(comes to attention) "Master Yoda left for Dagobah in number
Windu: "I fucking knew it. But where's number two and three?"
"A young padawan took number two and also went to Dagobah,
Windu: (gapes at the droid in disbelief)
"What? Those two
motherfuckers! Haven't they heard of the gas crisis -- the least
they could have done was to go on the same ship! But never mind that,
where's number three?"
"Chancellor Valorum denied the Academy the funds to maintain
ship number three twenty years ago shortly before the Vote of No
Confidence that forced him to retire, sir. He could not see why the
Jedi Academy would need three escape ships. Actually, he could not see
why the Academy would need escape ships at all, but did not wish to
make his cutbacks seem too harsh by eliminating all of them."
(angrily) "Why, that goddamn cheap bastard! And after all
did for him! That Vote of No Confidence didn't come a second too
"Well, we did sorta cost him his job back when Master
Qui-Gon and I brought Queen Amidala here --"
"THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT! THE POINT IS, THERE AIN'T
GODDAMN ESCAPE SHIP FOR US, YOU ASSHOLE!"
(from just behind them) "How tragic. *wheeze*" (activates
Obi-Wan and Windu (in chorus) "Oh, shit."
To Be Continued